Wine May Not Have Blue Mountains but it Gets You Laid

Wine is by far the best party drink. Forget your 4lokos and your (now plastic) bottles of mickeys those are for frat boys and teenage girls, respectively. You want a man’s drink better come prepared with a corkscrew and a muscly arm because no spindly little twig arm is getting to that sweet sweet merlot.

Now imagine this you’re at a party, your bro’s hitting it off with a 9, you walk over to give him a cheers. You’re long thick glass bottle taps against his puny tin can, and even though those mountains are bluer than the mediterranean on a clear day, you catch her eying your thick long bottle of sauvignon blanc. She bites her lip but you don’t notice because your enjoying that translucent yellow liquid splashing against the back of your throat.

You walk away so as not to put a damper on your bro’s game, even though it would be no contest. You find a group of buds and push your way into the circle. They’re all clutching frosty cans except one, he “forgot” to get beer again. He’s been trying to bum a brew from the other responsible party goers. Your eyes lock, you know whats coming so you put your mouth around the mouth of your big bottle of cabernet sauvignon and take long slobbery draught. You catch his eye again, he looks away.

That conversation went stale, much like the taste Natty Ice. So you turn around try and find that gorgeous pair of legs and breasts that intimidated you half a bottle of syrah ago. Now, however, your cheeks are ruddied and your step is wobbled and you got balls as big as John Cena’s and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s put together. There she is right over there, by herself, you can fix that. So you swig a mouthful of chardonnay move toward her.

But what’s this? Some pussy steps up first and in his hand he’s clutching a plastic baby bottle of Steel Reserve. Pah, he’s some kind of bitch, so you step between them and start laying down that vagina moistening game harder than you thought you could. That guy taps your shoulder and starts swinging, sayin that’s his girl, but you’re a classy motherfucker so you tell him you can’t own a girl, and that she has the free will to choose whoever she wants to rail her. He brings that bottle of Steel Reserve down on your head, but the plastic crumples and bounces off with hardly a tickle. You ain’t mad but he mussed your hair so this loser’s got to learn a lesson. You cork your thick glass bottle of zinfandel swing it hard into his ear. He goes down, she draws closer and tells you to take her to your house.

Now you’re getting laid and that malt liquor drinking barbarian is lying on the grass with cauliflower growing out the side of his head. You wanna know why, because you’re that classy motherfucker who brought wine to a party.


Back to the Future day got me thinkin

So today marks the fact that we are officially in the future. According to an extremely popular 80’s movie October 21st is the future. I’ve seen more comparisons of the real now and the film now than I have seen the actual movie, regardless, it is disheartening. Obviously the creators of that movie overshot their predictions, food rehydrators don’t even really make sense, and hover boards, while cool, are likely still years from being feasible. Technology is great and all, really fun to talk about, but as this blog lately hasn’t really been about fun (sorry about that I’m trying to make a fun story but it just won’t come together). I wanted to talk about the grim reality we face as a species.

Especially in the United States our greatest minds are working less and less in the scientific fields and more in grocery stores. We were the country that put humans on the goddamned moon and now we’re fighting over who should be allowed to marry? We fucking invented trains and now ours are the laughing stock of the rest of the planet. Let that sink in for a minute, we revolutionized transportation now we have some of the worst trains in any significantly advanced country. Soon we won’t even be able to call ourselves significantly advanced.

At this time in history I see a significant regression, we’ve been resting on our laurels. That’s not how you make a “more perfect union” that’s how you implode like the Romans. This is fucking America goddammit we’re supposed to be the best and we very well can be, we just need to pick up our bootstraps and work harder… just kidding. We need to break out the guillotine… still kidding, kind of. Not the actual guillotine, even though that is boner inducingly enticing, we’re not animals, but a metaphorical guillotine. We need to cut off the bank accounts of the überrich.

During The United State’s heyday, the era a lot of americans still believe we’re in, the taxes on the überrich were 90%. Now that’s ridiculous but it allowed us to live in a world where the government could fund ridiculous technological projects like getting a rocket to the moon. Imagine if we continued with that momentum, the creators of Back to the Future did and theirs was a much lovelier future that we can only be jealous of.

Instead we live in a future riddled with anxiety. Climate change, political instability, religious(resource) wars all center around the überrich’s obsession with scarce resources. They take advantage and even create our reliance on oil. They hinder the progress of renewable/infinite energy at every turn for no other reason that I can see than to maintain control over the populace. They make it so our only choice is reliance on them. Whether it be debasing solar/wind power or blocking it in legislation altogether. Now I have no idea how to fix this, it seems it’s just one of those things that could be too broken to fix. However I have faith in humanities ingenuity, I just don’t have faith in our timing.   

(Sorry about all these opinion pieces, I know I hate reading them too. I promise I’ll post a story soon. you know when you have a really great idea and it just falls apart on paper? Yeah I’m at that stage right now. TTYL)

Gun Control, Climate Change, and Kim K’s Bodacious Booty.

I’m tired of asinine arguments. Any trending topic, gun control, climate change, discrimination, these are all incredibly important issues that internet people have turned into baseless jokes. It seems now no progress can be made. Anytime a nuanced, well-thought out, and researched argument comes along it is attacked and derided with opinions. It’s as if beliefs are now viable fact on par with science, statistics and research. It is despicable and dangerous that the social discourse has devolved in such a way.

Belief is especially dangerous because it needn’t be based in fact, it needn’t be based in anything except the believers will to believe. The truly terrible thing is that the more evidence one uses to debunk a belief the stronger the believers will is to hold on to it. Now this it’s fine that people hold on to beliefs I’m not arguing against that. However, it becomes a problem when these people go to vote, or make legislation. See, societies for a long time based law on belief because that’s all they had, there was no science or statistical analyses, but it’s 2015 and we’ve had these things for a while. So it’s time to stop believing and start knowing.

Now I’m not one to tell anyone how to live their lives. However, there is nothing wrong with telling you how I live my life so as to give an example. I hold no beliefs, each passing moment contains new information and thereby changing the situation beliefs will only hinder the decision making process. So I solely make decisions based on information, and you can to. You can even hold on to your beliefs but just leave them out of your argument and decisions. This way there is no fear of new information. You won’t have to change anything about yourself and you never have to admit your wrong, merely ignorant.

The problem with telling people to drop their beliefs, however, is that people will base their entire personality around them. That’s fine, thats their choice same as mine to not hold any beliefs, but when it comes to public discourse these people will throw their belief into the mix and bolster it with consensus. Consensus is not truth and that is what I see a lot of these believers arming themselves with. Facts become mere blips in the sea of cacophonous consensus. See a fact has to be based on something in objective reality, consensus just has to be repeated by enough people. As long as a group of people agree on something, regardless of its basis in reality, it is consensus.

I guess I’m just saddened and disheartened that belief and large groups of loud people have so much more power than truth and fact. It honestly scares me because a lot of the facts point to complete and utter destruction, and the consensus seems to be ignoring it for Kim K’s bodacious booty.